My plan today was to take W out into the wide world and remind her that I like to pay attention to her before having a few drinks as a trio and then getting my normal monday evening with B.
It didn’t really work.
I could blame a number of things and I could tell you that what we had was fantastic (which it was) but that rather defeats the point that I failed to do what I intended mostly through being asleep.
Its not just that I don’t like getting up, but rather more than that, not for the first time I found getting up today almost impossible. At 8.30 I awoke a little hungover but softly calm. W was adorably asleep. At 10 I woke again and my wife was still asleep and I thought to myself how little I wanted her to wake without me at her side when she has been so ill so I dozed again. At midday she awoke and after some snuggles was ready to face the day; but by this point i was cranky and nightmarish – the world was too much to handle and as she got up I curled back down to sleep. Although she could have woken me at several points it was not til 2 that she called me downstairs to join her and to plan our day.
I feel guilty for not being more ‘proactive’ and yet I know I must sleep, that my body crumbles without it and that my mind folds into impossible spirals of panic when I am not ready to face the world.
I want to have sleep patterns that match closer to daylight hours, that are not the patterns of a student or a wastrel or an OAP. I’d like to go back if not to 4 hour nights to 6 or 8 hour sleeping patterns not 10-14 hr naps.
I’d like to wake up without wanting to cry, and without my joints and muscles complaining.
I don’t think it is much to ask. soon?