Meds

Shit.

Am really scared.

I have been on citalopram for just over a year now; both of my loves have also been on citalopram for over a year – I think there are no words to describe how much difference these fucking pills have made to our lives. I will spare you the gory details but inability to work, violence, self-harm and  suicide threats feature heavily. Its fair to say despite all of our initial misgivings the drugs dun good.

So why the terror? – well basically, my Dr. suggested a change. We fear change. The results of my time on citalopram have been less dramatic than those of my lovers. Suicide is not (and never has been) a viable option, and it and self-harm have diminished as constant and unrelenting thoughts. But overall I haven’t done as well as I had hoped, self-harm not quite gone and ups and downs kind of noticeable. The whole thing is weird and difficult to explain but I am no more or less likely than before to descend to those dark places where personal inadequacies loom larger than global tragedy and I am still somewhere on the dark side of coping.

Its not a big deal, or even a surprise, but the next step for me is Prozac.

Did I mention I am fucking terrified?

Its probably unfair – but I live in a world that has ‘prozac’ as a bad guy, where it is difficult/impossible to get off of and commonly leads to serious suicidal issues. It could be the miracle wunderkind but quite frankly I ready for it to fuck shit up big time. OTOH I also know I ain’t right and its not fair to dismiss what I don’t know. So from here in out expect some regular updates as I switch over. If need be I will quit or go back but I need this reference to remind me about “normal” and “appropriate” or hopes thereof.

 

Wish me luck

 

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