Monogamy & Commitment

How do you show someone you love them?

How do you show someone your commitment?

Its not easy committing to someone, let alone more than one someone – you have to make choices, give up on things, accept the ups and downs and ride through the storms.  I am happy with my choice, more than that it feels possible to believe, and I know in my heart and my head that I made that commitment.

Its even less easy for others though. Its hard for people to understand or accept what flys in the face of tradition and potentially their religion.

More so again when that includes a person in their life.

W is monogamous. Not just not in a relationship with anyone else and not looking but wired in such a way that she can’t imagine anything else. For her the way I feel is unfathomable, incomprehensible and more than that its problematic. She isn’t sure that there isn’t something fundamentally wrong about the way our relationship is formed and she definitely wonders if there is something wrong with her that she doesn’t completely fill my life. She also explained to me that she feels that I must want someone more understanding or compatible with my lifestyle, less involved with religious and moral qualms. There is also a part of her that feels that if I was truly committed to her I would love her enough to not have these thoughts and feelings, that feels angry and betrayed. I confess that I understand those thoughts, I too feel the pressure to love her ‘enough’ to satisfy her desire for my complete self but I can’t deny the feelings I have and I can’t love her any more or less at any moment than I do. I don’t know what that feeling of other love falling away to negligible levels is like. I am lucky/blessed that she feels that the love we share is sufficient to accept my choice/feelings as part of my package deal and to try to make our life work together.

I am committed to spending my life with her and I made those promises in front of my gods and my friends and the law from the depths of my soul and strive every day to be the best I can be for her. What I want is to help her get to a place where she can feel that I am committed, where she can feel joy about the fact I can acknowledge my love for another and still choose her in my life without denial, lies or wondering what might have been – I am not ditching for her for something better but sharing my life in its fullness with her. But I don’t know how to express that when we are coming from 2 different understandings.

It isn’t necessarily something I talk about much but I think its important I don’t avoid it and in fact its an important part of our relationship impacting on the dynamic and on my daily choices of expression with her and with B. It is also important that other people understand that polyamory isn’t the way she lives or feels except as part of her monogamous relationship with me but that isn’t the same as me cheating or being cruel.

Everyday another lesson to learn and work on.

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2 thoughts on “Monogamy & Commitment

  1. “I am lucky/blessed that she feels that the love we share is sufficient to accept my choice/feelings as part of my package deal and to try to make our life work together.”

    and

    “What I want is to help her get to a place where she can feel that I am committed, where she can feel joy about the fact I can acknowledge my love for another and still choose her in my life without denial, lies or wondering what might have been”

    These thoughts, or ones very similar, have almost become a central point in my daily thinking. That W for you and D for me have not rejected out of hand feelings they can’t understand (at least at this point) is, I think, one of the most wonderful things. That I can’t make him understand so there are still moments where he struggles with it is one of the hardest, because to me it is just the way it is. Coming out the otherside of each of these battles, learning how to fix things together, each of those little victories makes everything just that bit shinier.

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting on these posts? If you’d rather leave it as outward introspection then I perfectly understand! xx

  2. I definitely agree that the opportunity to make things better bit by bit is one of our great blessings even though it sometimes comes out of that horrible feeling that I have done something which feels natural to me but hurts someone I love, – it makes me happy that we can learn stuff together and make our relationship stronger.

    Its good to try and organise my thoughts, comments help.
    Hugs

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