More Fluoxetine, a Surprise Trip and all the rest

So, I’ve been on just the Prozac for a week now and am expecting another week or so to get stabilised. I’m not having much fun. Whilst I was still on the citalopram as well I thought that my mood was improving but at the moment the lack of delight (anhedonia is an under-rated word I feel) is decidedly dark. I feel like taking anti-social to whole new levels of irritation and distaste at those around me and I find myself angry at myself much more. As for whats actually spinning around inside my head – well you don’t want to know, but I have it under control. To paraphrase Terry Pratchett: Miss Byghan’s Body and Mind are firmly in the grip of Miss Byghan.

In spite of/because of this I have struggled through work this weekend; but I also rewarded my beloved wife with a surprise trip. As commented in my previous post she had to go to a conference so I went to visit her and take her out on the town. Other than ambling round half-lost for a chunk of the evening I think it was quite successful. I did something I wouldn’t normally do and explored a new place, she got the reassurance of my proximity and a chance to go out.

I just wish it was enough. Her mood has taken a bit of a dive (I have no idea if it is related to my ups and downs and feel it best if I don’t speculate) and she is being eaten by the Jealousy monster. It doesn’t help that B has been quite needy because he is in pain with a bad ankle but I think it has mostly to do with her self-esteem. She is having one of her ongoing crises of personality and conscience which I feel unspeakably powerless to help with. I hate the feeling of being an added burden to her but have to take comfort in the fact she enjoys my company. All I can do is be here with her and ride through the storm at her side reminding her that I value her and not letting her self-loathing turn entirely to bitter jealousy but accept that it is one of the features. Onwards and Upwards. W – I Love You, I Believe in You.

Feeling a little beaten back by the theoretical elements of my thesis at the moment. There is so much fascinating stuff but I don’t think I am good enough to attempt a synthesis without resorting to truisms. Classics as power structure, local history as self-aggrandisement, Usage dependent on educational strictures etc etc. Not sure if this is a crisis of confidence or represents a lack of sufficient analysis for me to use…

Deep Breath.

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