A Shaky Grip

Lost a bit of composure today.
Yesterday I was determined that I would not cry in front of my father – not I think for any good reason so much as I couldn’t manage words to try to talk to him about it if I did. Today I let myself get rattled.
I thought everything was going ok. In fact I thought I was having a pretty good day but a failure to be able to connect physically reduced me to tears

I logically know that I am not at my most sexual when I have my period; I also know that prozac famously has some sexual side effects but thats not the same as the feeling.
A feeling that emphasises how little I can connect with the person beside me – like I feel like I am drifting though I want to pull my lover close. More than that it felt like parts of my body were reacting but my emotions and my pleasure weren’t. It felt like I was going to have a physical orgasm with no emotional connection or even relaxation or enjoyment whatsoever and it scared the crap out of me.

Sex is just sex but being close to someone you love is essential and for that moment in time no matter how true it was or how fleeting it might be I felt completely alone.
And don’t get me wrong i was held and adored and loved like I don’t believe I deserve and reminded that I dont need to do anything particular to be loved and kept – its just a terrible burning feeling inside that I am too rubbish for this much love.
No logical discussion can shake my sense of disappointment and loathing of myself – not even my own acknowledgement of that logic. Sometimes CBT is not strong enough; combating feeling with logic doesn’t work when you can think and feel simultaneously.
This is where mindful acceptance comes in – but no amount of training can help you feel like its ok to demand that someone else looks after you.
need to work on this


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