What does it mean to go home?

What is home? Go ahead and tell me its where I lay my hat.

Home means a number of things to me; its a place to feel safe and comfortable, a place to retreat to when things are tough. However, how do you reconcile owning your own house (well having a mortgage) and wanting to move back to where you grew up?

The bricks and mortar that represent the biggest, most important thing I have ever owned and one of the biggest declarations of a shared life I know how to make are truly fantastic. If you have never done it, it is hard to imagine what it feels like to own a home – to have somewhere that is your sanctuary to decorate or ignore as you please and even more amazing to build into something uniquely yours. I especially like the way it represents things W & I do together and create together.

Whenever I go away from that building and its environs I miss it. To go away on holiday separates me from that connection and safety and also from friends nearby and my sense of independence.

 

But, in fact, BUT, when I say I want to go home more often than not I still mean the place I grew up. Its ironic really; if my own house represents independence then my parents represents duty, if this home is one of connection and building a family then my parents house is isolation and loneliness. Why would I revisit those things? Why would I wish to battle with the memories of loss and fear?

I’m not sure if I know the answer; partly its the straightforward fact that I miss the sea but beyond that I think perhaps it is an aspiration – a representation of who I want to be. I want to live in a rural community, close to the land and away from easy convenience and the bustle of people. I want the home I think that house should be, could be, was, is, regardless of the pain I endured there. That place and those people still feel like my place and my people estranged though a decade in a town has made us. They represent more of me than I know how to express and that gives them a status of home beyond anything here. Maybe when I’m older, when I have  a decade of these walls about me I’ll feel differently – but right now I just want to be able to move back and make it mine.

 

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