I feel good. Happy. Lucky. And Suicidal.
Not miserable, not down, not like my life isnt worth living – just like I should hurt myself or kill myself right now.
Don’t misinterpret – I won’t. I just couldn’t do that with a cool mind and in good conscience. I care an awful lot about a lot of people and they neither need nor deserve that from me. I am in control of me
But still my mind flickers and leaps to the desire to slice deep down into my arms; I actually handed over my painkillers because I don’t trust myself not to overdose – so easy, so casual so quiet. Its an absolutely ridiculous fantasy – I love my life – and absolutely resolutely real.
How is it possible to want to live, to see a future for yourself and still want to kill yourself? How can I want to maim and end myself whilst dreaming of 20 years time?
It is oddly opposite to so much of my depressive moods where I want to be dead or not exist but can’t face killing myself, now I want to experience the act of killing myself and still be able to enjoy my own future.
How fucked up is that?