Isn’t that such a lovely word. I first learnt it age 9 off the back of the book Equal Rites.
It is however not really considered a desirable quality in a customer facing role like working behind a bar. The trouble is that years of working behind a bar really gives you an opportunity to see the misery people can bring to their lives and other peoples. There is nothing quite as boring, fatuous and noisy as a drunk man and personal space just stops being relevant to most of them too.
I know I am not, shall we say, at my most cheerful and I know I’m not a particularly gregarious individual but today was harder than most. Too many people too close and I was coping mainly by finding myself tasks.
Its not social anxiety, though if my general anxiety is up high I can get the paranoid they are all looking at me and judging me thought pattern but somehow its like an overload. The noise, the movement the constant requests.. I just wanted to find a quiet dark room, have a bit of a cry and go to sleep.
Feeling sorry for myself really, crying a little too much and blaming other people; I think maybe mirtazapine is losing its grip on my psyche above and beyond not knocking me out or maybe I’m just a bit flustered by looming thesis deadlines or the fact I STILL don’t have my f***ing period..
So sanity what was that like when it passed by?