Dearest Beloved One,
I want to find a brand new way to tell you how much you mean to me but I don’t know where to begin. I want to show you the myriad tiny ways you make me smile, lift me up and make me feel safe and loved everyday. I wish I could pause time just to show you those magical moments. You -really you- are more special to me than I know how to express and even when things are hard and we are struggling having you in my life makes everyday worth living.
Do you think that one day I will have the vocabulary to explain to you how I feel when I am with you? Do you think I will ever be able to show you that I love someone else not because you failed me, not because you don’t satisfy me or fill me with joy and delight but because I have been lucky enough to be wired in such a way that means when I feel that way about someone else it emphasises my feelings for you.
I will probably never quite make that make sense to you; but you know- that’s ok, I love you and I don’t need you to be the same as me or want the same as me. I just want to make you as happy as I can and for you not to hate yourself, especially on my account.
If anyone treated someone else the way you treat yourself you would probably call the police or at least a therapist. Its hard not to be angry; not at you but at your thoughts. I am angry you could be so negative about yourself, that you could believe yourself so crap, that you would let other people treat you without respect. How dare anyone say those things about you? – I want to scream and shout and beat your attitude towards yourself out of you.
There is no simple answer to depression and anxiety and low self-esteem and social/cultural and working-life related expectations. I think perhaps there is no right answer just like there is not a right way of feeling. You don’t have to be any Thing nor do you have to be the Same Thing. A little focus on the positive, a little battling the spirals and the exaggerations and sometimes just a cry and a hug. Its ok my love.
I know that actually I can only try and offer you time, safe space and love and respect. I can only hope that by showing you how I feel about you you can find the space to forgive yourself, even if it is only forgiving yourself for having bad days.
Mrs Ulf, I love you.
Even when you don’t. Even when you are scared, even when I am somewhere else.
I love you