So I have muttered about why sexuality feels like a barrier to having children and one of the consequences of this (an odd obsession with pets) and I think it is time to move to other thoughts on progeny..
Here I expose a straightforward fear, which I imagine besets most human females, I don’t know how to be a mother.
I don’t just mean that I have no idea how to deal with the crises of childhood from the position of a responsible adult or how best to teach my child to excel in its strengths and accept its weaknesses and those of others. That is, I don’t just mean that I know that emotional crises of an individual child will always be beyond my ability to fix. I mean everything from nappies to finding a school to having a relationship with a child seems unbelievably daunting – how do you decide about breast-feeding or private education or pocket money and sex ed?
The truth is I can’t imagine what parenthood means… It is something of a cop out to blame a father who worked away from home and the death of my mother with so much puberty left to live through – but hell excuses help right? My parents weren’t hands-on through no fault of their own but I still have no idea how or why they made the decisions that they did and I know that I did not really have a parent-child relationship worth speaking of.
I wonder what it would be like to create and maintain a system of trust and responsibility that does not involve two (or more) adults. What does creating a disciplined but supportive household entail? How do you even relate to someone who has a fraction of your vocabulary?
If you have a relationship with you parents do you have an image of in what ways you would like to be like them and in what ways you want to be different? Do you have a role model?
I get that being a parent is a unique experience and a steep learning curve that nothing can prepare you for – but you no what that doesn’t make it less frightening…