Its a formidable enemy.
How do I reconcile the fact that no matter how much I love W we can’t create a child with the fact that I want any child I have to be hers?
The truth in my heart that tells me her love is stronger than any biology cannot silence the fear that the connection won’t be right.
I don’t think there is any way for a couple unable to conceive to express to those for whom it happens naturally the frustration and disappointment that sheer passion and love alone is not enough to create life – and yet I am reassured that whatever decision we make it is genuine, thoughtful, mutual and truly loving in a way other families never quite grasp.
This is of course more complicated because I would choose to conceive with B if possible and create a wider and more complex family through our intimacy. But of course I am terrified of the potential jealousy that raises – I don’t believe biology trumps upbringing but of course if it didn’t matter why would I choose to conceive naturally at all?
The answer I think lies first in a fear that I would fail to bond with something not of my own flesh (see part 5) but also that I think that, beyond the fact that W could not harm any child ever, there is a true grace in her that would see something created out of love as genuinely worth cultivating. Also practically speaking sex is cheaper than IVF and she finds pregnancy hot..
As for B, how prepared is he to allow his flesh and blood to be adopted and raised by W (the law doesn’t allow for 3 parents – & I am not prepared for W to only be registered as a guardian)? Well, surprisingly ready – not only because he has agreed to give up legal claim, with the caveat not just of access but of input and hopefully honesty but also because I am constantly (and unwittingly) reminded of the respect he has for W’s approaches. I forsee arguments and uncertainty but I think that ultimately he would feel his connection is guaranteed by me in a way that cannot be sanctioned by biology or law.
It is strange but reassuring to feel so emotional about a simple biological possibility..