Lets return to some life musings..
So after talking about the problems of biology with regard to how we could all connect to a child – there are a few more biological issues that worry me.
Firstly, there are the problems inherent in passing on one’s genes.
I guess despite the desire to magically concieve a child with my beautiful wife I would be terrified of her passing on her family’s medical history and worried that if she carried a child it would destroy her slightly fragile health. In terms of my own family medical history, I know of no genetic illness or life-long problems and heart disease and cancer are so common anyway they are statistically not worth mentioning and yet add a flicker of fear for the future of any hypothetical child – if only the fear that they could lose a parent young.
These are perhaps the smallest worries though and the rest are more to do with my capability to deal with pregnancy and motherhood.
Mostly I’m afraid of the crazy.
Depression isn’t pretty and I worry that I could get worse with extra added hormones and no meds. I don’t know what the stats are but I do know that the chance of post-partum depression is much higher in people with a history of mental illness, as is the risk of psychosis.
I am afraid that I would take a significant swing for the worse and I worry about the repurcussions for the people I love. Logic tells me that the strength of my support network, my efforts at self-management and the care of the NHS would mitigate those things but my internal critic and basic sense of horror assume that I will be unable to relate to a child, be vicious, uncaring, thoughtless, reckless, hurtful. That everything about me will be unfit.
I am not really helping myself by those tiny nagging fears left over from childhood that tell me that a child growing in my body is like an alien feeding on my insides and eating up my sanity. But no one accused me of being rational on the topic.