Not quite enough

I hate feeling like a disappointment  and a burden – I hate knowing that the people I love don’t necessarily feel that way about me but that I can’t shake it.
I hate that despite “knowing” how the cognitive dissonance and logical fallacy works, understanding the tricks my mind plays on itself and being able to follow all of the practical suggestions I still can’t change the way I feel about myself.

I just can’t remember how it feels not to feel like a failure. Everything I do lets someone down- its a good day when its only me who is disapppointed. I fight to feel like I am not just begging for reassurance and demanding attention and not giving people the care that they need and deserve.
I work hard every day to make sure that other people don’t feel I rely on their feelings to get by in my own self-worth. I know that it is hell not to be able to ‘fix’ that sense of inadequacy – I know how hard it is to accept that no matter how much you love someone you can’t make them love themselves and so I try conquer these feelings.

I am sorry I am hard work. I am fighting, even when I am tired
I have too much to do and too many adventures planned not to win the fight… I just want to be the best that I can be.

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One thought on “Not quite enough

  1. This resonates with my quite a bit.

    I am constantly struggling to be emotionally self-sufficient and not have my self-worth dependent on the validations of others. . . . But I think as long as we keep trying, there’s progress. “Knowing” may not make the feelings go away, but it is a step in the right direction.

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