On Knees

Or not ON them.. for a while.
Currently revelling in post-surgery laziness. and fretting already.

I am acutely aware of having been poked and prodded and torn and more than a little bit relieved that they were able to find something and I hadn’t been making up my limp and inability to straighten my leg  (although I am little saddened by not having a piece of cartilege to take home). The pain is more manageable than I could have hoped for and already I can feel that there is more movement despite the bandages and swelling. The pics dont show any arthritis either, which is pleasant though surprising.

I am terrified about the physio exercises though, what if i do them wrong, what if i dont do enough? I am notoriously un-dedicated to taking care of myself and there are so many.

wish me lots of luck and send me lots of nagging


On My Mind

So, I’ve been afk for a few days and have a whole host of things swirling round in my head to talk about. These may or may not make it into separate posts in due course..

  • Going to see the sea – its awesome
  • I really want to move back and my beloveds are keen to move with me. How reasonable and feasible is it? Can I formulate a business plan and generate a regular income? how soon?
  • Supervisors – They both seem pretty pleased with where I am at, which means with some solid effort I can get this beastie submitted and maybe even published
  • I really do have to tackle my conclusions and face up to rewriting the dreaded literature review/first chapter and I have to really smash it.
  • Workshop on publishing research- clearly they had never met most classicists… still maybe there is stuff I can take through the conference paper into getting it published
  • Drs. – at some point I am going to have to face up to going to the quack to get more painkillers ( I always feel like they aren’t doing anything until I haven’t taken them for a few days Ouch!) – and admit I quit my anti-depressants cold turkey cos I was fed up of getting fatter as the effects got weaker and even the sleep deserted me again. Not sure where I’m going from here though
  • waiting for a friend to die. No more words
  • Worried about various friends and their coping..
  • Glad the Mrs. has finally got her boss to see some sense (with the help of her Dr and HR) lets hope we can take it a bit further.
  • Fingers crossed for my sister
  • Praying for W’s family

That’s all for now. Hope to be more coherent soon.

Being Nice to Me

is a challenge.

Busy hearing the nagging whine that tells me I’m not good enough and all that stuff: You didn’t help Sleepy. He doesn’t want you interfering in his life. You are a hypocrite. You are a liar. Your supervisor is fed up with you & doesn’t want to see you til she has to. Your thesis is bollocks. You don’t look after the people you love. You are selfish. You let them down. You don’t keep in touch with people who have moved away. You aren’t there when they need you. You ruined your sister’s life, you didn’t protect her. Everyone is disappointed in you. You shouldn’t act like you know it all at work. You are ridiculously grumpy at people. you are stupid. you are a fraud. you are a waste of time and space and money…..

Its a familiar litany. Playing a little loudly today – I blame PMT which as a woman it is my right to do for another 25 years or so – but its hard to keep on doing the right thing when your mind won’t be quiet.

However, made it to the Dr.,talked a little about how i’m doing and meds. The guy i saw today isn’t really happy to see me taking my pain meds and wants to fiddle with the head drugs too. [It’d be nice not to have the naproxen but last time I stopped taking it I could barely move, even taking it I am still in pain most of the time, otoh I hate having it in the house cos I don’t trust myself not to od] Anyhow gonna wean myself off the fluoxetine for good I hope (though taking it every other day for a week is going to be a challenge to remember!) and up my dose of mirtazapine which will hopefully sort my sleeping pattern. I was used to taking an hour or so to fall asleep and sleeping a few hours at a time, waking regularly etc until the mirtazapine zapped me into 8hr rest – it was fantastic and now those effects are wearing off I really miss it.
Anyhow actually managing to talk about this to the Dr is me trying to take care of myself. Didn’t manage thesis today but did do a bit of reading [ex-supervisor’s thesis].
Also went to the wake and chatted with various (not sure I’m old enough to only be catching up with people at funerals already), went up to the psych ward but Sleepy didn’t want to see me, so I had a bit of a cry and a nap and then fessed up to B about my arms. I never stop feeling guilty about it – if only it wasn’t so damn good at easing the tension. I don’t heal as well as I used to. Need to be more careful.

So mostly just working on taking care of myself and screw the rest of it cos this is hard enough.


Ok Dr tomorrow (again. already.) What do I need to do?

More Meds – most importantly Mirtazapine & Naproxen
Talk about Peak Flow Diary?
Weight Gain?
My Arms?

Nah I guess its another day where I’ll just nod and smile and pick up my pills.

Big Steve’s Funeral too – but I’ll skip the crematorium and just go to drinks afterwards and sympathise with people who liked the man
Then up to see Sleepy in hospital

Ah such a rock n roll life!

Memo to Self: Dr.’s Appointments

Oi You/Me.

I know that staying in bed with the mrs when you have been away for 4 days seems like the best thing in the world – but going to the Dr matters. 4 days without pain meds and 2 without mirtazapine is stupid. You have battled this far to not feel like  a complete failure for taking the meds, so take them.
You Hurt and You Hurt.
Lesson: – Don’t ignore the Dr.- Just go get the bloody pills!


Happy Birthday

Weekend negotiated.

It was good, B & I don’t tend to get much couple time so just staying together, waking up together and having dinner together was really great. We lazed around and chatted with no pressure about work or being anywhere. In truth it was as much as I could give him as a present, so I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. I missed W terribly of course and there is always something odd about not waking up beside her but it was only a short break so I didn’t get too wound up. I think it helped knowing she was doing something nice for the smother and that we had already planned the evening of her return so there was no need to over-compensate for absence. (I am a terrible over-compensator if I feel one or other of my lovers has been short-changed and this can lead to a vicious circle..)

When she got back she finished making a most excellently delicious birthday cake for B which we shared with his family. It was ginger with cranachan and expertly done  – I hope she was proud of it. Then a lovely nap so we could be close and then out for drinks and dinner for the 3 of us. It makes me terribly smug to play happy families like that but I think B had a good birthday and W really got to bring out her nurturing side.


Since then I have been both good and bad.. went to dr. and library but not to mindfulness :-s

Dr. wants me to cut the citalopram out entirely and see how that goes. I feel bad about missing mindfulness, but it does give me an opportunity to try to really do the homework this week..

As for the library – I finally worked up the nerve to go! I feel really out-of-place there. Partly this is because its not my university any more and I worry I will get kicked out, also despite years at uni I still feel like an academic fraud who will get found out for not being smart enough any day plus there are just plain lots of people there. ——-But I went and I found books and I took notes and photocopied some stuff and now I just need to convert that into useful stuff.

Quiet Day tomorrow.