Turning 30

I pretty much like getting older.
Its kind of comforting, freeing, hopeful and exciting but milestones are pretty scary.

When I was about 15 I had a list of things to achieve before I was 21 (which gradually became 30) – at 15 the list had things like have sex with a man, have sex with a woman, get a degree, take certain drugs, own my own throwing knives, travel to every continent, skydive etc… I did a lot of those things but there were always more experiences and more targets to reach.
I want to tell you that I am proud of what I have done with my life and sometimes I am.. my relationships, my marriage, my doctorate. – all not inconsiderable and all pale gently beside actually living day-to-day
I really am consistently amazed by those strange people who get up every morning like its no big deal – getting out of bed like it doesn’t hurt, like you don’t want to curl up and cry. How do people do jobs and housework without collapsing? What is with leaving the house *every* day?
Nothing makes you feel like a failure like looking at the careers and families of your peers… Knowing the reasons that I don’t have a full-time permanent job and 3 kids (depression, anxiety, chronic pain, relationship choices & financial planning a.k.a. laziness,  cowardliness, deviance & lack of ambition) doesn’t make me feel less like I should be coping better.

Every time I hit a “life event” I start to miss my mother. Its a silly thing, on the basis I no longer have any idea about how she would react to my life now, how she’d feel about modern life like the internet and mobile phones, I can’t imagine what the arguments of my teenage life would have been like, or the discussions about my partners, what her opinions on my wedding might have been or her recommendations about my career. I can’t imagine what my relationship with her would be like and I have no understanding of other people’s relationships with their mothers at all. It seems almost ridiculous to guess and even more daft to still crave her approval and yet I still get blindsided by her loss at inopportune moments.

I guess the point is, if I ever thought I would get to 30 this isn’t what I expected. I am kinda disheartened by the whole process in that I am not all grown-up and barrelling along with my glorious life. In fact I kinda don’t know what next…

  • I did the doctorate (which I might add in no way makes up for secondary school & undergrad, sorry) but don’t want to be a lecturer – I think in terms of continuing research its got to be publications
  • I found my special someone… and someone… – the next obvious step must be kids which I think I (we?) want but what about the: money, organising, prejudice, fear.
  • I have *a* job – I don’t have a real income generator, or even a full time position and I really want to feel like I am contributing financially – next step is erm decide what I can actually do? Could I run a pub? Work in a museum? Even actually manage 9-5?

I don’t feel old, I feel young. But I am jaded, bitter and scared and I only see an economy and a political system that doesn’t want me.
So what now?

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More Sleep & Dreaming

Sooo, been taking the new pills a week now – how is it going?

SLEEP. damn it is so fucking good. I like sleeping at the best *and* worst of times but this is something else. I was told that the mirtazapine can cause drowsiness and some people find the sedation way too much and quit because it interferes with their life too much. I have to say I understand, I am sleepy for 12 hrs after taking my pill and I know how that could interfere with people’s lives. Its Fucking Fantastic.

I have suffered with fatigue, tiredness and weariness for years now. Sometimes I have horrific insomnia and spend hours trying to get to sleep and sometimes I feel that I do nothing but sleep and always there is that nagging tiredness filling my bones and muscles and creeping through my thoughts so that they slow down to treacle. The trouble often lies in the fact that I sleep very lightly and even when I lie in bed for 12 or 14 hrs solid most of it I doze conscious of my surroundings and even as when I reach a deeper sleep I wake every 1 or 2 hours through the night, just 10 mins every hour leads to restless night.

The new drug.. I sleep. I mean I sleep 8 hrs before waking up and its amazing. I will take needing to go to bed within half an hour of taking the pill and waking up feeling stoned for the extra energy I get just from having that sleep. Awesome

But, (you knew there would be a downside didn’t you?) the dreams are harsh. For many years now I have been a lucid dreamer – that is I have the privilege of knowing as I progress through each dream that I am dreaming and 75% of the time can influence the dream in some way (I might add that 98% of the time it doesn’t quite work how I expect it to). I also dream in technicolour and often from multiple viewpoints. None of these things have stopped with the mirtazapine but the dreams are more often than not nightmares. It seems the subconscious that hasn’t developed because of my uber-short sleep cycle has some serious crap to throw at me. Night after night I have dreamt of rivers of blood and oceans of tears. Hurting myself in dreams I can almost deal with but crying in my sleep leaves me shaken every morning.

I hope that soon this will pass. … I don’t want to be afraid to get the rest that helps me to deal with daily life.