Mood Swings

Maybe its the med switch or maybe its because my hormones are whacked.

But I’m feeling really emotional and unpredictable. Snappy for no particular reason, anti-social (beyond normal bounds), weepy, anxious, unwilling to have physical contact… generally a bit shit.

So..am I blaming the meds? Well maybe, Its now a week since I stopped taking the Prozac so it should be out of my system & I haven’t upped my dose of the mirtazapine (which tbh I think is crapping out on me) and the sleep is screwed.
On the other hand..I don’t know where I am in my menstrual cycle. Is this PMT or is this my body complaining about the fact that because of my meds I don’t have regular periods? Urgh

Chapter 4 again & the Gloriousness of Bed

10,000 words and I have completely lost the point!

I have written about some of the patterns evident in the previous chapters etc., looked at some of the historiographical trends and considered the impact of the situational context – but it doesn’t feel like its going anywhere.
So what solutions are there to this kind of writer’s block?
I’m really looking forward to some directly constructive criticism. The words ‘its shaping up nicely’ and ‘more signposting’ feel like unspeakable nothingness. What I really want to hear is something on the lines of ‘this section works well’ ‘this bit is confusing’ ‘is x what you really mean?’ etc.
Is it that I am terrified of finishing the damn thing or just that I’m rubbish at conclusions? Aaargh only another 5,000 or so words to finish this chapter I reckon.

Have I mentioned recently how much I like sleeping? This week W & I have christened our marital bed (incidentally the most expensive thing we own after House & Wedding Rings) Arcadia. And it is Idyllic, lying in the warm dark listening to the wind and rain outside and feeling safe. In this world I think we take sleep far too much for granted and I would like to call attention to enjoying it when we can.

Being Nice to Me

is a challenge.

Busy hearing the nagging whine that tells me I’m not good enough and all that stuff: You didn’t help Sleepy. He doesn’t want you interfering in his life. You are a hypocrite. You are a liar. Your supervisor is fed up with you & doesn’t want to see you til she has to. Your thesis is bollocks. You don’t look after the people you love. You are selfish. You let them down. You don’t keep in touch with people who have moved away. You aren’t there when they need you. You ruined your sister’s life, you didn’t protect her. Everyone is disappointed in you. You shouldn’t act like you know it all at work. You are ridiculously grumpy at people. you are stupid. you are a fraud. you are a waste of time and space and money…..

Its a familiar litany. Playing a little loudly today – I blame PMT which as a woman it is my right to do for another 25 years or so – but its hard to keep on doing the right thing when your mind won’t be quiet.

However, made it to the Dr.,talked a little about how i’m doing and meds. The guy i saw today isn’t really happy to see me taking my pain meds and wants to fiddle with the head drugs too. [It’d be nice not to have the naproxen but last time I stopped taking it I could barely move, even taking it I am still in pain most of the time, otoh I hate having it in the house cos I don’t trust myself not to od] Anyhow gonna wean myself off the fluoxetine for good I hope (though taking it every other day for a week is going to be a challenge to remember!) and up my dose of mirtazapine which will hopefully sort my sleeping pattern. I was used to taking an hour or so to fall asleep and sleeping a few hours at a time, waking regularly etc until the mirtazapine zapped me into 8hr rest – it was fantastic and now those effects are wearing off I really miss it.
Anyhow actually managing to talk about this to the Dr is me trying to take care of myself. Didn’t manage thesis today but did do a bit of reading [ex-supervisor’s thesis].
Also went to the wake and chatted with various (not sure I’m old enough to only be catching up with people at funerals already), went up to the psych ward but Sleepy didn’t want to see me, so I had a bit of a cry and a nap and then fessed up to B about my arms. I never stop feeling guilty about it – if only it wasn’t so damn good at easing the tension. I don’t heal as well as I used to. Need to be more careful.

So mostly just working on taking care of myself and screw the rest of it cos this is hard enough.

More Sleep & Dreaming

Sooo, been taking the new pills a week now – how is it going?

SLEEP. damn it is so fucking good. I like sleeping at the best *and* worst of times but this is something else. I was told that the mirtazapine can cause drowsiness and some people find the sedation way too much and quit because it interferes with their life too much. I have to say I understand, I am sleepy for 12 hrs after taking my pill and I know how that could interfere with people’s lives. Its Fucking Fantastic.

I have suffered with fatigue, tiredness and weariness for years now. Sometimes I have horrific insomnia and spend hours trying to get to sleep and sometimes I feel that I do nothing but sleep and always there is that nagging tiredness filling my bones and muscles and creeping through my thoughts so that they slow down to treacle. The trouble often lies in the fact that I sleep very lightly and even when I lie in bed for 12 or 14 hrs solid most of it I doze conscious of my surroundings and even as when I reach a deeper sleep I wake every 1 or 2 hours through the night, just 10 mins every hour leads to restless night.

The new drug.. I sleep. I mean I sleep 8 hrs before waking up and its amazing. I will take needing to go to bed within half an hour of taking the pill and waking up feeling stoned for the extra energy I get just from having that sleep. Awesome

But, (you knew there would be a downside didn’t you?) the dreams are harsh. For many years now I have been a lucid dreamer – that is I have the privilege of knowing as I progress through each dream that I am dreaming and 75% of the time can influence the dream in some way (I might add that 98% of the time it doesn’t quite work how I expect it to). I also dream in technicolour and often from multiple viewpoints. None of these things have stopped with the mirtazapine but the dreams are more often than not nightmares. It seems the subconscious that hasn’t developed because of my uber-short sleep cycle has some serious crap to throw at me. Night after night I have dreamt of rivers of blood and oceans of tears. Hurting myself in dreams I can almost deal with but crying in my sleep leaves me shaken every morning.

I hope that soon this will pass. … I don’t want to be afraid to get the rest that helps me to deal with daily life.

 

Weary Bones

Ok, Me is good girl.

Tea party attended, hugs and love to a beautiful birthday girl, lovely people talked to – home again.

Wife might have got a little bit drunk in my absence, which is not a problem except I am exhausted and didn’t want to clean and tidy

Was intending to go with W to church or go and see young doris in hospital tomorrow. right now all i can manage is sleep. Sorry all for not being more sociable just so tired.

Sleep

My plan today was to take W out into the wide world and remind her that I like to pay attention to her before having a few drinks as a trio and then getting my normal monday evening with B.

It didn’t really work.

I could blame a number of things and I could tell you that what we had was fantastic (which it was) but that rather defeats the point that I failed to do what I intended mostly through being asleep.

Its not just that I don’t like getting up, but rather more than that, not for the first time I found getting up today almost impossible. At 8.30 I awoke a little hungover but softly calm. W was adorably asleep. At 10 I woke again and my wife was still asleep and I thought to myself how little I wanted her to wake without me at her side when she has been so ill so I dozed again. At midday she awoke and after some snuggles was ready to face the day; but by this point i was cranky and nightmarish – the world was too much to handle and as she got up I curled back down to sleep. Although she could have woken me at several points it was not til 2 that she called me downstairs to join her and to plan our day.

I feel guilty for not being more ‘proactive’ and yet I know I must sleep, that my body crumbles without it and that my mind folds into impossible spirals of panic when I am not ready to face the world.

I want to have sleep patterns that match closer to daylight hours, that are not the patterns of a student or a wastrel or an OAP. I’d like to go back if not to 4 hour nights to 6 or 8 hour sleeping patterns not 10-14 hr naps.

I’d like to wake up without wanting to cry, and without my joints and muscles complaining.

I don’t think it is much to ask. soon?